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Most days I’m fine..I think of you all the time but my medicine keeps me from fucking absolutely loosing it, most days atleast. Today isn’t a good day, well it is, every day is a good day but I just miss you more than ever today. I probably miss you cause it’s a rainy grey day..those were my favorite days to spend with you. I just miss everything about you..it’s all so clear in my mind..everytime I close my eyes all I see is you, your big blue eyes, your face lying so close to mine just looking at each other..I just miss is so much & I can’t even get it back..you’re not you anymore..you’re gone, taken over by drugs and anger. It’s like you’re dead..but I know you’re not I know you are physically still here and that’s what mind fucks me the most..it’s unexplainable. I could never in my life explain to anyone the heart break I feel every day..I keep it together most of the time but there is never a moment when I don’t think of you. Truly feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest and I’m frantically searching for it..you still have my heart & you have hurt is so bad..I can’t take it back from you..I’m not ready to let go..I just can’t. Where are you?!? Please come back. I beg and I beg and I beg in my mind that you’ll come back to me, that you’ll be sober and happy and the amazing person I know..I convince myself it’s true and I just gotta wait it out..it’s been like 6 months and I’ve yet to even speak to you..maybe it’s for the best. Idk I know one day ill find someone..I just don’t want that to happen I want you and only you and I pray you come back to me. I could never feel what I feel for you for anyone else, ever. Brenden I love you and now I’m crying too much to zeven type. I love you & I hope you come back to me…bye

It was just another fight, so normal to me that it was like walking, or breathing„I was just going through the motions praying itd stop, searching for the right words to end the madness but what I didn’t know then was that nothing I could have ever said would have appeased your anger. It was so normal but something was different, I could see it in your eyes..you weren’t yourself, you were using again. I know those beautiful eyes like the back of my hand, i had stared into those eyes for too long to not notice that empty heartless look in them..but I kept quiet, I learned to keep quiet about your disgusting behavior a long time before this. That look though, that’s what scared me the most, not the physical or verbal abuse, no I could handle that, I was used to all that..but that look, I’d never seen it before, pure hatred, like I said, heartless. That scared me the most, I knew you were out of control, your eyes screamed it, your face so contorted and angry, this was not the person I loved, this was a troubled soul driven out of control by one of the devils many devises. I still wake up practically every single night because I see those eyes, it never gets better, it’s so real and just as terrifying as the moment it happened. You almost killed me that night, I’d seen you mad daily but this time it was different, I’m sure you don’t remember and I think it’s better that way, I would never want anyone, not even you, the doer of the act, to ever have any memory of such a that moment that will forever haunt me. It wasn’t you and no one could ever understand, I don’t even understand how I am still so devotedly in love with you, but I know you too well. I wish I didn’t know that side of you, I wish I didn’t know about that beautiful caring person buried deep underneath years of betrayal and drug use..because that is the person I love & it is such a fucking helpless feeling knowing you’re in there and all the potential and love that has been thrown away..for what? So you can get high and forget about the world, forget about me? Such a cowardly way to go about life it disgusts me..I always tried to tell you how strong and wonderful of a person you were but you could just never believe it, it breaks my heart but I’ve learned to accept the heart ache for what it is and move on with my own life. I will love you forever and I will never give up hope..ever.

I plan to get into the field of psych solely because everyone in this world is absolutely fucking batshit. It’s incredible how diverse the human mind is from person to person, it’s never ending, the possibilities and the differences they never end. As my good friend aldous Huxley says, life is truly infinite. I don’t think I am more intelligent than others..or maybe I do I don’t know. All I know is most people in this world are so fucking self centered, they think about themselves am how they feel and how they are effected by the never ending shit life throws at us, it’s like WAKE THE FUCK UP. I don’t give a fuck what happens to me, I’m not that person complaining about how bored I am cause frankly I could give a fuck less, I’m that person tryna make others happy and going outa my way to just do something little to make their day that much better. Like when I’m out and someone’s like oh I need another beer guess what I’m gonna get off my fucking ass and ask who else needs a beer and imma walk my little ass to the kitchen and get them all beers, I feel like that’s not even a question like take a minute outa your fucking day to think of other people. Stop focusing on your fucking self and grow some fuckin empathy. I mean I’m not perfect, not even fucking close but ya know what I openly admit that and accept that and I understand that EVERYONE makes mistakes, I used to judge people so much when I was younger and had a fucking mush brain lacking maturity, but I’ve made enough mistakes in my life to accept and understand others. I don’t even know what I’m saying but that’s how I feel